If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
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My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?