She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
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Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
the official breakfast of 2021
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Solving a traffic jam
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.