Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
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ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
choose your gary
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.