Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
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In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
2 years later
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.