me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
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if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.