One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
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How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.