“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
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priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
This meal prepping shit easy
Festive toon…
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir