Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
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Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
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If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.