i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
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Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Florida be like…
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
i hate you platonically
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too