Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
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Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!