Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
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I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Before & after 😅
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.