FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
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The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
I missed you with all my darts
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!