I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
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13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.