If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
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#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Reporter: *ports again*
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.