You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
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Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.