I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
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14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
one of
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
looks legit
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
definitely did not do anything wrong