My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
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ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…