Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
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I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
This kid is going places
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Still my favorite television listing of all time: