Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
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Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?