Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
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13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
new record!
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL