who wore it better?
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Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
I’m sorry…what?
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much