ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
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“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Mmmm canned fish.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola