If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
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Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
My blood type is b hungry.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks