I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
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7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Holy moly
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.