I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
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Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
apparently this year was written by stephen king
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
That’s incredible! 👌
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]