Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
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Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Weirdly Wednesday.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
bout dat hot dog summer
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken