I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
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“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist