I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
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It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Hey I worked for it too!
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
lmao