I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
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Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!