[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
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doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.