“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
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Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
at ease…shoulder.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today