Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
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It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
sleeping beauty
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”