This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
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[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”