Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
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Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy