Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
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A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*