MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
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I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
New mindset, who dis?
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
This was my dad’s browser history.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?