Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
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My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
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(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles