toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
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just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think