[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
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“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors