Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
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*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
A short story about romance.