ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
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My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.