goldfish mafia
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if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.