The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
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If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Software Development ⛵️
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.