My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
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Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.