Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
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1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
sliding into dms like
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.