watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
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In banana years, I am bread.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
I’m a bad influence on myself.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Does beer think about me too?
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders