could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
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detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.