I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
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<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
A tragic love story in two pictures.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?