i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
You Might Also Like
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
What a website
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Still laughing at this stupid meme
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
*orders delivery*
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son