Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
You Might Also Like
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
(more comics:
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night